Dumb little things.
Tonight is the first time since my ex left that I’ve been able to listen to a playlist that I made in Pandora called “Sweet and Romantic”. It wasn’t really for her, it was actually something I made for when I was writing mushy fanfic and needed help getting in that headspace. But one of the things about my divorce was that I stopped being able to listen to romantic songs.
Because a romantic song would send me into a depressive mood swing from HELL. It would make me think of her and then I would get angry at her for lying to me. If I was lucky that was it. If it was a bad day, it would cause me to replay all the times she called me worthless in my head. If it was a really bad day, I would remember all the emotional mindfuckery, gaslighting, and be left with this hollow feeling like I don’t know how to trust people anymore. If it was a REALLY REALLY bad day it would make me think about the time she held me down and sexually assaulted me. If it was a horrifying day, there might be flashbacks.
So basically for the last 18 months I haven’t listened to sappy or romantic music. I’ve worn out my Killers CDs and my Big Gay Erasure playlist on Pandora. I’ve listened to more Top 40 than any other time in my life.
Tonight is the first night I’ve been able to listen to that station. Small things. Such small things.